AIDS has been a huge issue for the past few years, killing millions around the world and leaving millions more waiting to die if their flimsy prescriptions run out. These people are helpless and suffering, without any way of preventing the illness that will one day steal their lives from them. Right? Nope.

See, more than three thousand years ago there are examples of what would later evolve into a condom. Egyptians are depicted as wearing them in hieroglyphic drawings, either for sexual or ritual purposes. According to PlannedParenthood.com, Romans are rumored to have worn condoms made from the muscles of their enemies.

The earliest discovery of what we can call “real” condoms was found in Birmingham, England. The fish and animal intestine slips were dated back to 1640 and were probably made to prevent any sexually transmitted diseases. So, wipe that look off your face… you know what a condom is. They’ve been around forever.

Now, I understand that people in other parts of the world are less fortunate than us here in the United States, and they have a harder time distributing free condoms to help stem the AIDS epidemic, but we here in the U.S. haven’t got a leg to stand on when it comes to excuses. Men come up with the most ridiculous excuses just to get out of using those things: I was embarrassed at the corner liquor store and couldn’t buy them, it’s too tight, it’s uncomfortable, it’s loose, it’s too thick, it pinches Mr. Winky-is it really worth your life to sneak your way out of using a sheaf of rubber? Apparently yes, looking at the number of people contracting AIDS.

More than 830,000 cases of AIDS have been reported since 1981 in the United States, with about 950,000 cases of HIV. One quarter of those infected don’t even know it. There are testing stations everywhere. Go get tested. If you’re lucky and go to a good testing station, you may get free stuff like lubricant and flavored condoms. Heck, you could go to the Health Center here at Skyline and pick up a wad of condoms. No charge.

Even less expensive than the free condoms, and totally safer, is the choice to remain abstinent. For those of you who don’t know, this word roughly means sex-free. Guys, quit flinching, it’s the best way to avoid getting some bubbling pocket of puss on your gentiles, so give it a second chance. Consider it.

Since most people won’t consider giving up sex in order to save their lives, nor do they want a rubber around their reproductive rods, there seems to be only one solution left: Toss those condoms and get to the love makin’.

The faster the weaker of our race dies off from unprotected, condom-less humping, the faster humanity will develop immunity to the sexually transmitted diseases that kill us. Human beings are versatile creatures… we can get through these mad times of death and disease, but running scared, hiding behind a condom won’t get the job done. The human race has to step up to the plate and face the itchy sores and puss-filled blisters of evolution or all is lost for the future. With a mass percentage of the human race dying from AIDS, nature will have to compensate by strengthening our immune systems to keep us alive. Or, nature will slap us in the face and let us die horrible deaths.

And if you’re saying to yourself, “Hey man, this guy John is pretty harsh,” you’d be all wrong. I like humans. They’re decent, sometimes. But I stopped looking at the human race as a collection of intelligent individuals long ago, replacing that illusion with the truth: humans, as a species, are idiots. We won’t wear minimally uncomfortable slips of rubber to save our race. I wouldn’t call that smart, for sure.

I’d call that evolution.