It’s dark… From what I can see there is red tape everywhere. Everyone who I’ve interviewed for this story on the dark guardian, that’s having an affair with succubus number 8667 has gone off the record with no swaying them. Talk about dark dealings.

The last few weeks our print edition has ran in complete white ink. With a paper return rate of 100 percent. I have no idea why we are even trying anymore.

Getting an interview with the devil himself is almost like pulling teeth. Funny thing that’s what I’m currently writing a story about, his different techniques of tormenting the dammed. With the wait time of 65,000 billion years I’m happy this story doesn’t need to be published anytime soon.

This week’s editorial got us the staff thrown into the boiling pot, and I mean that quite literally my skin’s still peeling. It’s quite amazing how irate the underworld’s government can get over an opinion, which most in fact interpreted wrong from the get go. Instead of offering solutions or looking for a good back and forth, the underworld’s government bites back as if it were being attacked like a wild animal. it’s a LEARNING experience for all I suppose.

This year, as it is most years we seem to be having trouble finding an editor for our underworld sports section. No soul living or undead will touch the position with a 10-foot stick. They all say they would rather be subjected to 1,000,000 deaths, or forced to use AOL dial up service for the rest of their stay in underworld.

Censorship still runs rampant down here, Shows like Supernatural and Walking Dead are banned from cable providers like Deadcast and T-virus&T.; Due to many of the underworld species striking and rioting about the unfair treatment and portrayal of their kind.

Tensions are high as the talks between earth, and heaven have crumbled. With the Earth’s Government playing cutthroat, waving their new found formula for immortality over the other two government’s heads. Both Heaven and the Underworld are in scramble to find souls for the top brass of Earths leaders to keep their powers of manipulation in tact. If the formula for immortality gets out both regions will see a stop in soul influx and the reincarnation cycle will stop at earth. This will cause a soul backup on earth probably leading to the extinction of humans. Earth’s government has never cared much for the well being of their own kind, so long as they are living comfortably.

The Propaganda from the government against the new curse that’s going around in the underworld aptly named re-live, is absurd. The curse does not bring you back to life with genital warts and a peg leg. This misinformation is being spread to keep the undead here and quite frankly I as the editor in chief will not have any of it. In fact I quit, I’m joining the living baby!!!!

This article is not real and was written for the TSV Halloween special for Issue 5, Fall, 2014.