The month of ghost, witches, and other deadly beasts has arrived. If you’re anything like me, the mere thought of these baddies roaming around free, eating your loved ones, is completely terrifying. So for all you nubile monster hunters, here I, The man who monsters fear, have complied for you a short list of the dangerous baddies you will need to look out for during this terrifying month. Use this list to learn how to properly defend yourself during this of frightful month.

The Witch

Public Domain

Dressed in all black, riding a broom, with white hair, smells like cat, and wearing jewelry in the form of odd symbols and shapes that may or may not have to do with satanic dealings. No I wasn’t trying to describe your local high schools’ goth club member. I was trying to portray what a witch would look and smell like. These ladies in black can transform into cats and cast nasty spells and curses on people. I would hate to be incinerated where I sit, or worse turned into a frog… I can’t fathom having to eat insects for the rest of my life. The best remedies for any of your witch problems would be to always keep your room clean. Witches have terrible OCD, why do you think they always carry around their brooms. If you keep clean, and you still happen to run into a witch, remember this; a good splashing of water will get rid of those wicked witches.

The Ghost or Spirit

Gallowglass/Creative commons

These corporeal beings are said to be the diseased, our loved ones and friends who are stuck in limbo, having a hard time passing on. With the physical characteristics of your grandmother’s fancy white sheets these guys can do some nasty things .They can possess the living to do their bidding. Cause unnatural phenomena to happen, like turning light switches on and off really fast. They have the ability to pass through walls without using a door, must help when you really got to use the bathroom. With these abilities they are the masters of scaring people. Well if you ever find yourself in the midst of a haunting. The best thing you can do to rid yourself of these pests, is to not pay attention to them. Yep ghosts are the attention whores of the supernatural world, if left alone they will eventually grow tired and leave, you’re welcome.

The Vampire

Rikard Elofsson/Creative commons

These well-known fearsome creatures are supposedly immortal, can turn into bats, and are extremely pale to boot. They feed off of human life force, sounds like my ex-girlfriend, the removal of life force is usually represented as a person’s blood . If you’re not careful they can turn you into one of their minions or a fellow vampire. Now if you ever run into one of these dastardly foes, the easiest most efficient way to rid yourself of one would be to invite it to a normal dinner. Yes invite your enemy to dinner and feed it. A steak to the heart is what you will start with! Clog their arteries; too much red meat is a vampire’s worst enemy. If you want to seal the deal throw some garlic on it, vampires are very picky eaters and are repulsed by the mere scent of garlic. After dinner that vampire will be sure to never bother you again.

The Demon

Public Domain

These beasts are quite possibly the worst evil monster of all. They are a parasite that burrow themselves deep inside of a human females body. When they finish feasting on the insides of their host, they burst out of their host’s womb and force themselves onto the host with unbearable smiles and “the inability to protect themselves.” After 21 mentally and financially draining years, they manage to look almost indistinguishable from the host. There is one clear way to vanquish this foe, and that is to never allow them to come into existence. Be sure to practice safe sex all, and happy Halloween!

This article is not real and was written for the TSV Halloween special for Issue 5, Fall, 2014.