It was a glorious day for the Zombie Olympics last Oct. 25, 2014. Team Zombie Jamaica is sweeping almost half of the event, taking 20 gold medals, 26 silver medals, and 8 bronze medals. While Team Zombie Russia is coming in second with 13 gold medals, 12 silver medals, and 6 bronze medals. While Team Zombie USA is in third place with 12 gold medals, 6 silver medals, and 30 bronze medals. Many of the marathon events are still going on right now so the results are not yet final.

Events included the 100m zombie dash, which ended after a whopping 30 minutes. The pole vault tragically ended in one of the competitors getting impaled, but it didn’t stop Hugh Doflin from taking home the gold. Even the 10000m limp marathon was exciting. It took the first place winner, Hagar Friold, 25 hours and 23 minutes to finish. The discus decapitation throw ended very well, with the gold medalist Kabar Kerild decapitating 5 heads.

The hurdles event was somewhat disappointing as the competitors ended up knocking over all the hurdles. The spine relay race was taken by the Japanese zombies because of their tenacious speed, with Flint Uker, Hans Gerot, Sven Rilon, and Mathias Meras leading the team. The head-smash hammer throw ended up with a grand mess but it was beautiful. Russians took this event with their gold medalist, Vlad Kudifloc, smashing 25 heads. Plenty of records were broken today when it came to the jumping events, including longest jump and farthest triple jump. The longest jump record was broken today by USA’s Ragnar Haggar, with him completing a jump of a whopping 5 inches. The farthest triple jump was beaten by Russia’s Yuri Jorvo, by completing a distance of one foot. There are still plenty of events going on as of now as you know, the competitors take their time to secure the victory. The 20km crawl just finished this morning with Jamaica’s Leonard Pilobno taking first place. The zombie decathlon is still going as of now but Jamaica is way in the lead, and we’ll keep you posted. The 50km crawl is in the process of being held, be sure to check in online for the results.

“Our hurdles team practiced so hard, I don’t know why we bomb that event so hard,” Jamaican Coach Frand Hammond said. “We had meat hanging on top of the hurdles during training so they would actually try and jump over the hurdles to reach the meat. There was a brain at the end of each practice race, so our athletes would have some sort of motivation to make it to the finish. Despite losing the hurdles event really badly, I’m just glad we won almost everything else. I trained my boys and girls so hard so they would definitely take gold medals, and that’s exactly what they did.”

Many of the athletes really enjoyed this year’s Zombie Olympics. The Track and Field event ended with what was pretty much a reward for the zombie competitors, a brain-eating contest. Although it wasn’t an official event in the Zombie Olympics, Team Zombie USA didn’t fail to represent their country by winning the contest, eating over 400 brains. The zombies ate so much, their bellies exploded.

“Blargh, raaaaaagh. Nnnnnnnnng. Groooooooong. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeng,” said Bonzo Gono of Team Russia, “Fwaaaaaaaa Dooooooo Leeeeeeeemb.”

For our human readers, this roughly translates to: “It was a great event, I had so much fun. Sure, it was really tiring but it was well worth it, especially because I was able to eat my favorite food right after the event: brains. I was lucky enough to not have my belly explode, so I’ll try to work off all this extra weight I gained for the next three years until the next Zombie Olympics.”

There are still a few events going on right now, so we are still staying on top of the event but from the looks of it, Jamaica is taking this year’s Zombie Olympics.

This article is not real and was written for the TSV Halloween special for Issue 5, Fall, 2014.