One of the most important questions when it comes to sex it this: How kinky is too kinky?

Now we’ve all been with at least one person, sexually, who wanted us to do…weird things. When it comes to sex there are dozens of things someone can ask you to do that may surprise you: Strangulation, cutting, physical abuse (punching, slapping, etc.) and the list goes on. They say variety is the spice of life, but eventually we all have to start asking ourselves what is acceptable in the bedroom and what is not.

In all honesty, I think it’s all fair game as long as both parties are comfortable with it. If a guy wants his woman to tie him up, slip a ball gag in his mouth and step on him while she’s wearing high heels, and she’s okay doing it of course, then have at it. If a woman wants her man to surprise her when she gets home, dragging her into the bedroom before she knows what’s going on and rip all of her clothes off, then she should get it. Sex isn’t about following rules or guidelines, but it is about two-way communication and trust.

Is it acceptable for someone to assume that they know what their partner wants and just act on it? No. You can’t initiate rough sex with someone and just hope that they’re into it because you think they might be. Does taking the time to talk about it lessen the mood of the moment? Of course, but it shows your partner that you respect them and care enough about them to be sure about it before you start breaking out the whips and chains. You might learn in the process of this two-way communication that your partner is, in fact, not into the things you thought they might be. You just saved yourself from a possible relationship-ruining experience. No one wants to lose a good relationship because of a stupid assumption and misunderstanding.

The silver lining to this proposal is this: Maybe they’re into something you didn’t think of. Perhaps, while you were brain storming of your little sexual escapades, your partner was thinking of something else entirely. Maybe they’re as kinky, if not more so, than you are, but just in a different direction. If it’s something you can both agree on, then who says you can’t have your cake and eat it to?

Take the time to get to know the men and/or women you’re having sex with. Chances are the time you dedicate to getting to know their desires will be reciprocated back to you, and sex is always more enjoyable when it’s a two-way street.